Servicing
Albert’s house cow Polly, came on heat in the late evening and it was dark by the time Henry arrived to give him a hand to drive her to Jimmy’s bull for service. The idea was that Henry would walk in front of Polly, while Albert held onto the rope around her neck. Henry was to warn any traffic coming along the road, with the whiteish tea towel attached to a stick that Albert had fashioned into flag. Jimmy’s farm was about three miles down the road that led to the river and Henry reckoned there wouldn’t be much traffic at that time of the night anyway.
Albert had been cagy about Jimmy’s permission for the service, and Henry knew damn well that Jimmy charged five quid a pop for service on the day the calf was born or he kept the calf… either or. Henry was about to ask Albert directly, but there were heifers in the paddock next to the road, they woke at the sound of the trio and came running and bellowing with curiosity.
‘Quick!’ Called Albert, ‘The bellowing is gunna wake old Stan!’ Stan owned the heifers and farmed next to Jimmy. In his rush Albert became tangled in the rope holding Polly, making him fall on his back with Polly pulling him through the long grass by his leg. She was keen to greet the heifers. When she stopped, he scrambled to his feet just as a spotlight shone on his exposed bald head. Stan’s well-known cackle came from behind the spotlight. ‘Lost yer ʼat ʼave ye?’ His cackle came again. ‘What’re ye doin’ with th’ cow this time o’ the night?’
Henry was still in the dark, arms wide, in case Polly headed his way, wondering what Albert’s excuse might be. ‘Hiya Stan,’ Albert called, ‘I’m lookin’ for my hat.’ After he found it and had time to think, ‘Polly ran off down here ‘cos she’s near on bullin’, so we’re bringing her home.’
‘We?’ Stan squinted into the dark. ‘That ‘enry there with ye?’
‘It’s me alright.’ Henry replied, not stepping into the light.
‘If’n yer cow’s bullin’, why don’t ye leave ’er at Jimmy’s while yer down ʼere?’ Stan asked. ‘I’ll give ʼim a whistle on the blower ifʼn yer like.’ And he muttered so they could hear. ‘Pity th’ young’uns couldn’t figure that out theirself.’
‘We didn’t know she’d run this far.’ Albert called, ‘But yeah, good idea, Stan.’
‘Jist take ʼer down to Jimmy’s yard.’ Stan said over his shoulder as he disappeared inside.
Jimmy was waiting in his yard when Henry and Albert arrived, with Polly, and after their greetings, Jimmy scratched his head under his hat, ‘The old bull should be here by now if’n your old girl’s on heat proper.’ And it was puzzling. ‘I’ll go inside and fetch my torch.’ Jimmy offered, but Henry suggested that their eyes were accustomed to the dark. On the other side of the paddock, they heard sloshing around in water, and found him stuck in a dew pond that was mainly mud on account of the dry spell. Jimmy could be profane when he put his mind to it, so he was profane… which didn’t do much for the bull.
‘There’ll be a fair bit of suction there!’ Albert said, scratching his head.
‘I’ll get the tractor.’ Jimmy offered, which was good because Henry and Albert didn’t fancy getting up to their guts in the mud! Henry went with Jimmy and found some rope, a wire strainer and a coil of number eight fencing wire in his shed.
So Jimmy didn’t hear, Henry said to Albert, ‘How’s this going to work? Putting a rope around the bull’s neck would likely pull his blimmin’ head off! Or strangle him!’
‘Yeah, I remember old Frank had a flash Charolais bull stuck in a swamp and he ended up having to shoot it.’ Albert agreed.
‘How we going to do this?’ Henry asked Jimmy when he’d backed the tractor towards the bull. ‘Buggered if I know.’ Replied Jimmy. ‘What do you reckon?’
‘Well, the suction will have a fair grip.’ Henry said, ‘But we heard sloshing, so maybe he has some movement. He might be just tuckered out. What about if we put the rope around his arse, and give him a pull with the tractor?’
‘Ok, we can try that.’ Jimmy agreed. ‘Who wants to get muddy?’
Henry didn’t reply but took the chaff sack off the tractor seat, ‘to stop the rope cutting into the bull’s bum’… he tied one end of the rope onto the tractor’s towbar and felt the mud ooze up his legs as he padded around the bull. He found the bottom to be quite hard, and suction pulling on his boots wasn’t too bad, He tossed the end of the rope towards Albert, which didn’t quite reach him, so he had to get one muddy leg.
‘I’ll hold the rope and bag in place while Jimmy takes the strain.’ Henry called and the strain was taken. The bull’s back arched a bit making Henry think his hind legs weren’t so much affected by the suction, so he called out. ‘Whoa!’ Henry waded through the mud to the bank.
‘He’s hunched up with his hindquarters up in the air, all he’s got to do is take a step with one of his front feet.’ Henry said hopefully. ‘I’ll tie some number eight around his foot and… you know how to use the wire-strainer Albert?’ Albert shook his head. ‘Ok, what have we got to stop the wire from cutting into the bull’s foot?’ Jimmy had a length of alkathene pipe that he used as a cattle prod-cum-stick, so Henry pushed the wire through it and climbed on the bonnet of the tractor to hold it over the exhaust pipe. ‘Give her a few revs, Jimmy, I need to bend the alkathene so I’ll need it to warm up.’
‘Hang on,’ Henry mused once he had made the bend. ‘It has to be loose and not slip to tighten around the foot, because if he walks, he won’t let us take the wire off.’ Herny knotted a loop on each end of a length of wire and tied them onto the main length of wire. ‘Now, I’ll show you, Albert how to take the strain with the wire strainer. When you have a good strain on the foot, give Jimmy a holler to pull slowly forward’
Henry went back into the mud, a bit surprised the bull wasn’t agitated, his hindquarters were still up in the air and his back arched. Soon Henry realised his mistake, both of the bull’s front feet were planted taking his weight yet he had to lift the leg to get the wire under it. Henry thought he’d have to get Jimmy to take the strain off the rope… but first he thought he’d give it a try. Lucky the bull was behaving. With both hands, he delved down into the mud and took hold of the lower leg. The bull must have taken fright, so he bellowed and took a step. Henry slapped his shoulder to keep going, and the big galloot, waddled out of the pond unaided! Unfortunately for Henry, the sudden movement made him fall backwards into the mud, making Albert burst out laughing. Henry didn’t see the funny side and threw a lump of mud at him, but it missed. Henry struggled to the bank.
‘Come up to the house and I’ll hose you down.’ Jimmy offered, but Henry refused, thinking it would cool him down worse than he was. He shook his arms and legs to get rid of the worst of the mud while Albert and Jimmy removed the wire and rope from the tractor, which Jimmy said he would pick up in the morning. They thought that the bull wouldn’t be interested in servicing Polly, although they stood together where Albert had tied Polly. Henry and Albert drove her back to Albert’s place, which allowed Henry to warm up a bit on flick more mud off. ‘Next time Polly comes on heat, you’d better be prepared to pay for the servicing!’ Henry said more than once on the way, to which Albert replied as many times, ‘Quit yer naggin’!’
Twenty-one day later, Albert told Henry, ‘Polly hasn’t come on heat this round, you reckon the bull possibly got her?’ Henry shrugged, ‘Stranger things have happened.’ And sure enough, Polly calved nine months later. ‘Must have been by osmosis.’ Henry smiled. ‘I wonder if Jimmy will hold his hand out for his five quid?’
