Sunday, January 28, 2018

Edgy



Edgy

For a number of years, my work took me through the Arusha National Park, the road we took climbs from the Ngongongare Gate, over a saddle and drops down to the Momella Gate. The Momella gate is where all the porters waited in the hope of finding work, carrying tourists’ equipment when climbing Mt. Meru, the second highest peak in Tanzania after Kilimanjaro.

The road was generally in shocking condition, especially after rain, although sometimes a few of the local youth who had committed misdemeanours in the villages were put to work moving rocks and filling potholes. These guys would create a roadblock and try to enforce a road toll. It was a dilemma whether or not to pay them. On the one hand, they were being punished, while on the other, any improvement to the road was a bonus. If there was a third hand, the money might go to feeding a family, but the fourth, the realistic outcome, would be the purchase of booze and maybe another stint on road maintenance. I found it easier to pay a couple of hundred shillings for a quiet life, but my mate Olotu believed we were already helping the people, so that gave us free passage.

The park authorities changed the location of the Ngongongare gate about the time we left Tanzania. Beforehand the road we took was more or less straight for a kilometre or so into the park to where another road took off to the right. The gate was a little way along the branch-road. There were no park fees to travel on ‘our’ road, a non-tourist route for mainly foot traffic, donkeys and local transport to the market town of Olkung’wado. The reason the gate was moved is vague, but guys pretending to be safari guides, usually in saloon cars rather than 4x4 vehicles, took cheapskate tourist as far as ‘Little Serengeti’. It’s just a little distance past the road junction. There they could see zebra, buffalo, baboons, giraffe, warthog, maybe an elephant, some egrets and perhaps a glossy ibis. But all of them at some distance, but the guide would have charged for the park fees, when in fact there were none. Once the gate was moved, those people no longer had free access. But it meant we had to negotiate our way through, almost daily.

Park rangers are a surly lot! They have an air of authority that they like to flaunt. I never knew any personally, so I have no idea if they are nice at home, or not. Especially in the earlier days, the parks had no vehicles, so rangers would stop you on the road and tell you that you were going to give them a lift! A good few of them were armed too! It wouldn’t do a lot of good to refuse them, but for safety, I made my own rules. They could have a lift within the park, where they had jurisdiction, but on the understanding I wouldn’t pick up any of their civilian mates. Outside the park I might choose to give one or two a lift, but not if they were carrying weapons. Whenever they were in the vehicle there was a silent air of unease.

The Crowned Crane might be the national bird of Uganda, but it’s found over much of East Africa. It’s a big, beautiful bird, about a metre tall with a wingspan of perhaps two metres. It wears sticky-up, golden crown of feathers. It has a pretty white face, with a black forehead and a red balloon-thing at its throat. Its body is mainly grey, wings are white and it has black legs. We would see this beautiful bird in the wetter areas we frequented but they are also found in the grasslands before the dry season arrives. They are a special bird.

My mate Olotu owned quite a sizable farm, and grazed cows, goats, sheep and he kept chooks. I think he had ambitions to have a menagerie! Because we often saw guinea fowl in our travels, and he hankered to breed them as well because he wanted to try their eggs. ‘Kanga’ is the Swahili name for the bird, and I’m more comfortable using it even today. I remembered Steven, the guy who had those special papaya plants, and how he used to husband kanga. To keep him from nagging me, I took Olotu out West, and sure enough Steven was able to sell him a sitting of kanga eggs. So from time to time Olotu showed me his kanga, which were successful due to the nurturing of his wife, more than any other reason. Their eggs were delicious too!

One day on our way home from work in the villages we passed through Momella, which has some fame for being where the John Wayne movie Hatari was filmed. The movie was about the live capture of animals for sale to zoos and collectors, so in this day and age, the subject matter is not so glorious, but the locals recall it with some pride.

We passed through the Momella gate and climbed over the saddle, through some rainforest where a cloud of iridescent blue butterflies took off from a puddle in the middle of the road. I was concentrating on sharp rocks in the road on a steepish downhill section of the road, when Olotu called, ‘Stop!’ Which I did! He was out of the vehicle in a flash, moving faster than I’d ever seen the old codger move before! He was chasing a Crowned Crane and her chicks!

With a smile as broad as the Serengeti, he showed me three chicks he had tucked under his sweater. Seriously, I said, what he had done was highly illegal and we had yet to exit the park, who knows when a ranger might appear! He replied that maybe for me it was illegal, but not for him. I was decidedly edgy! I had no doubt that if he was found to have the chicks while sitting in my vehicle, under his sweater or not, it would be me and only me that would go for a skate!

Sure enough, there were two rangers waiting at the gate for a lift down to Usa River, where they would catch a bus. Olotu was unconcerned and said the chicks were fast asleep! I’m not that silly! They were standing on the side of the road to my right and something important took my attention to the left, I made an exaggerated show of pointing to the lie and sped past them!

To his credit, Olotu, or his wife, they reared those chicks and all three survived. He assured me that he released them back in the park. I didn’t see, but he did ask me to transport them, but metre high birds in my vehicle? In a national park? They wouldn’t have been half obvious!






Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Cat Sitter





My mother had quite a stack of Stanley Holloway records and among her favourites were his monologues. Mavis and Stanley’s story reminds me about one of Holloway’s monologues, the one about some people, probably the Ramsbottoms, who took their dog to a boarding kennel. They were promised the very best care would be given to their loved pooch, but as soon as they were out of sight, the dog was shoved into a small cubicle and fed meagre rations for the time he was there! The moral of the story was that the boarding kennel owners made money and ‘dogs don’t tell tales’!

I’ve done my share of feeding animals while their owners are away, most usually it’s been cats that needed fed and watered or milked - yes, I know milk isn’t supposed to be fed to adult cats, but some owners persist. I’m happy to do what I’m asked to do. While personally I haven’t owned a cat for many a year, I never bought special food for any of them. They didn’t have to fend for themselves though, but if they had to they could. Nowadays, fending for themselves is a big no-no, because doing so is incredibly bad for the environment! But some of the cats I’ve fed, or is it their owners, are very choosy about what they eat!

At the time, I didn’t think about it, but I suppose I chose not to allow my cats indoors, but I chose to bring them up tough, because without being cruel, all animals on the property had to pay their way, and I didn’t see much coming from the direction of my cats that a bit of mouse bait couldn’t do. It’s how it was. I didn’t feel the need to caress a cat or be caressed by one for that matter. However some people do and some really do need the company of their cat or cats. It’s all about choice and personal circumstances.

These days I chuckle at ads on television about gourmet cat food and wonder what old Toodles would have thought about such delicacies! Opening a can to feed a cat doesn’t seem a natural thing to do! I slipped into the supermarket to buy some bananas the other day, and ahead of me in the speedy isle was a guy with about twenty tiny cans of cat food, all different concoctions. It made me wonder if a cat can taste the difference between a sparrow and a goldfinch. He was probably taking advantage of a cut-price special, and no doubt he dotes upon his moggy.

Anyway… I want to tell you about Mavis and Stanley who dote on their cat who answers to Piddles – they named her, nothing to do with me! Mavis and Stanley had been invited to Mavis’ niece’s wedding, so they needed to stay away for two nights and unfortunately they couldn’t find a motel close to the event that would allow them to take their moggy with them. Mavis thought they could get away with just sneaking Piddles in, but stern Stanley vetoed the idea! Mavis didn’t trust any of the neighbourhood kids – the rowdy tykes! And they rode their bikes on the footpath! And they spat their flavour-used-up bubble-gum on the footpath! No, they weren’t going to have any kids looking after Piddles, and that was that!

Stanley found an advertisement in the free local paper. A woman said she was prepared to sit cats in people’s homes because cats feel safe in their own surroundings and the ad said her address, which was just two streets over. So Stanley phoned her and she came around that evening. Zeta was about thirtyish and seemed very prim and proper, wearing what even Mavis would call, ‘fuddy duddy’ clothes and her hair was tied in a bun like one of those religious setups. Mavis and Stanley thought being religious she must be trustworthy so showed her where the dinky biscuits were kept, where the gourmet cans of crème of chicken and duck livers were kept, where the cat’s dishes were and the litter-box too. Mavis showed her the bin where the litter-box could be emptied. Finally they gave her the backdoor key.

Mavis and Stanley enjoyed the wedding! Such a lovely service! The wedding breakfast was to Stanley’s liking, cold beef, peas and new potatoes with melted butter laced with chopped parsley! They coped well with the crowd and the other relatives, but when Mavis stood on tip-toes to give the groom a kiss, his aftershave irritated her sinuses and she sneezed, leaving stains over his white jacket. So they didn’t stay for the dance at night, instead they made a hurried exit and headed for home!

They let themselves in through the front door, and were mildly surprised that Piddles wasn’t there to greet them! The house seemed a bit smelly too, probably because it had been shut up, thought Stanley. Mavis noticed that the back door was wide-open and feared the worst! That Piddles had ran off! As Stanley passed the lounge door, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a form and took a second look. Mavis was aware of his reaction and followed him in.

The prim Zeta was lying blotto on the couch! Booze blotto! She was naked from the waist up, but not in an erotic way, they were more like deflated rugby balls – tough and leathery with labels and all! Only the labels were in gothic text, one said sweet and the other sour!! Their seldom-open liquor cabinet was agape and surrounding the couch was an array of empty bottles – their bottles! Among them the dregs of a flash Pinot noir given to them by their daughter, Brie on their twenty fifth wedding anniversary. They were saving it for their fiftieth! 

The two policemen had difficulty keeping straight faces when they came to remove Zeta! The cops told Mavis and Stanley that this wasn’t her first offence. They asked Mavis and Stanley if they wanted to press charges but like the ten or so other victims, they were too embarrassed to do so!

Piddles came back the next morning and wet the carpet in her excitement! 



Sunday, January 21, 2018

White Butterfly





Flip, flop they fly in a random way
The White Butterfly, otherwise dubbed the Cabbage White
Aptly named I guess, ‘cos that’s what they do
They bugger up cabbages! Chew, chew, chew!

If that’s not enough in their random way
My cabbages destroyed, the flutterbys start on my kale
Kale in my smoothie, (yum) to reduce my waist
But caterpillar protein’s not at all to my taste!

Now blow me down in a random way
They’re chewing my nasturtiums, they flower so prettily
Which helps, (its true) stave off macular degeneration
I’ll squish those flip flops! Oh such vexation!

They flutter ’round my garden in a random way
Choosing tender-sweet leaves, a tiny wee egg to lay
I swipe and I snatch, and chase like a clot
Missed her completely, I’m tied in a knot!

They flip and they flop in a random way
Quick as I am (cunning too), they flutter on by as I swing to attack
I tripped on a plant, got caught up in vines
I’ll get you yet, you demented swines!

There’s another flip-flopping in a random way
This time I charged at a considerable gate, another miss
But then, alas (and alack if you like), I came a great thud
Arse up like a clown, among all my spuds!

I thought to myself in a random way
Try catching the blighters by hand, just wastes my time
I’ll find my old racquet, so long out of use
I’ll swipe with precision and never call ‘Truce!’