Cat Sitter

My mother had quite a stack of Stanley Holloway records and among her favourites were his monologues. Mavis and Stanley’s story reminds me about one of Holloway’s monologues, the one about some people, probably the Ramsbottoms, who took their dog to a boarding kennel. They were promised the very best care would be given to their loved pooch, but as soon as they were out of sight, the dog was shoved into a small cubicle and fed meagre rations for the time he was there! The moral of the story was that the boarding kennel owners made money and ‘dogs don’t tell tales’!

I’ve done my share of feeding animals while their owners are away, most usually it’s been cats that needed fed and watered or milked - yes, I know milk isn’t supposed to be fed to adult cats, but some owners persist. I’m happy to do what I’m asked to do. While personally I haven’t owned a cat for many a year, I never bought special food for any of them. They didn’t have to fend for themselves though, but if they had to they could. Nowadays, fending for themselves is a big no-no, because doing so is incredibly bad for the environment! But some of the cats I’ve fed, or is it their owners, are very choosy about what they eat!

At the time, I didn’t think about it, but I suppose I chose not to allow my cats indoors, but I chose to bring them up tough, because without being cruel, all animals on the property had to pay their way, and I didn’t see much coming from the direction of my cats that a bit of mouse bait couldn’t do. It’s how it was. I didn’t feel the need to caress a cat or be caressed by one for that matter. However some people do and some really do need the company of their cat or cats. It’s all about choice and personal circumstances.

These days I chuckle at ads on television about gourmet cat food and wonder what old Toodles would have thought about such delicacies! Opening a can to feed a cat doesn’t seem a natural thing to do! I slipped into the supermarket to buy some bananas the other day, and ahead of me in the speedy isle was a guy with about twenty tiny cans of cat food, all different concoctions. It made me wonder if a cat can taste the difference between a sparrow and a goldfinch. He was probably taking advantage of a cut-price special, and no doubt he dotes upon his moggy.

Anyway… I want to tell you about Mavis and Stanley who dote on their cat who answers to Piddles – they named her, nothing to do with me! Mavis and Stanley had been invited to Mavis’ niece’s wedding, so they needed to stay away for two nights and unfortunately they couldn’t find a motel close to the event that would allow them to take their moggy with them. Mavis thought they could get away with just sneaking Piddles in, but stern Stanley vetoed the idea! Mavis didn’t trust any of the neighbourhood kids – the rowdy tykes! And they rode their bikes on the footpath! And they spat their flavour-used-up bubble-gum on the footpath! No, they weren’t going to have any kids looking after Piddles, and that was that!

Stanley found an advertisement in the free local paper. A woman said she was prepared to sit cats in people’s homes because cats feel safe in their own surroundings and the ad said her address, which was just two streets over. So Stanley phoned her and she came around that evening. Zeta was about thirtyish and seemed very prim and proper, wearing what even Mavis would call, ‘fuddy duddy’ clothes and her hair was tied in a bun like one of those religious setups. Mavis and Stanley thought being religious she must be trustworthy so showed her where the dinky biscuits were kept, where the gourmet cans of crème of chicken and duck livers were kept, where the cat’s dishes were and the litter-box too. Mavis showed her the bin where the litter-box could be emptied. Finally they gave her the backdoor key.

Mavis and Stanley enjoyed the wedding! Such a lovely service! The wedding breakfast was to Stanley’s liking, cold beef, peas and new potatoes with melted butter laced with chopped parsley! They coped well with the crowd and the other relatives, but when Mavis stood on tip-toes to give the groom a kiss, his aftershave irritated her sinuses and she sneezed, leaving stains over his white jacket. So they didn’t stay for the dance at night, instead they made a hurried exit and headed for home!

They let themselves in through the front door, and were mildly surprised that Piddles wasn’t there to greet them! The house seemed a bit smelly too, probably because it had been shut up, thought Stanley. Mavis noticed that the back door was wide-open and feared the worst! That Piddles had ran off! As Stanley passed the lounge door, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a form and took a second look. Mavis was aware of his reaction and followed him in.

The prim Zeta was lying blotto on the couch! Booze blotto! She was naked from the waist up, but not in an erotic way, they were more like deflated rugby balls – tough and leathery with labels and all! Only the labels were in gothic text, one said sweet and the other sour!! Their seldom-open liquor cabinet was agape and surrounding the couch was an array of empty bottles – their bottles! Among them the dregs of a flash Pinot noir given to them by their daughter, Brie on their twenty fifth wedding anniversary. They were saving it for their fiftieth! 

The two policemen had difficulty keeping straight faces when they came to remove Zeta! The cops told Mavis and Stanley that this wasn’t her first offence. They asked Mavis and Stanley if they wanted to press charges but like the ten or so other victims, they were too embarrassed to do so!

Piddles came back the next morning and wet the carpet in her excitement!