Bert Takes a Slide

Apart from his parents, old Bert stands out as one of Henry’s heroes.

Bert was a wiry old bugger, who by his own admission belonged in the Australian outback – that is despite the fact he had lived all his life in Otago (NZ), except for his war service years. Ned Kelly was his hero because, as Bert put it, ‘He had the guts to stand up against authority!’ But Henry knew it was that they were both Irish!

Not that Bert did anything illegal, in fact he was so gentlemanly that he called Henry’s wife, ‘Missus’.

Back then, Bert was the forest grader driver. Henry was barely out of his teens and was actually Bert’s boss, so he had his work cut out proving his worthiness to the knarley old bloke, but they turned out to be good mates.

The old fella’s front teeth were worn through gripping his ever-present curved pipe. Henry reckoned the bloody thing stank to high heaven, especially when he lit up, coughing, spluttering, eyes watering and swearing, ‘I’ll beat you yet you bastard!’ [Referring to the tobacco smoke’s fight with his lungs.]

This light-up sequence was caused, Henry oft expressed, because to top up his lighter, Bert dropped it into the can of petrol whenever Henry was filling his truck! Those petrol fumes were no good for old Bert!

Bert owned a small farm on the forest boundary, moving there on his return from war service. It was steep country, infested with gorse and he farmed pretty much in the old pioneer style. His gorse posed a fire danger to the forest, so Henry organised the burning or bulldozing of it at regular intervals, which was a considerable benefit to old Bert.

He was the first casual employee of the forest, working as a rabbiter. In those days rabbit skins were worth a bob, so he scraped a living by trapping, poisoning or ‘dogging’ the pests and working the skins.

He planted the first tree on the forest in 1948 – there were six people present and they all planted, or replanted the same tree! With all that handling, the survival of that particular tree is probably in doubt!

Forestry work is basically an outdoor activity and when the weather is inclement the workers were housed in a shelter until the decision was made that no work was possible, so they were sent home.

After a fairly decent snowfall, it was obvious to Henry that there would be no work that day, so he sent the workers home.

He decided to head into the forest to look for a pig, so he fitted tyre chains to his old crash-box Commer truck. [For those who don’t know, a crash-box has no synchromesh, so artful doubling the clutch makes the gear changes smoother/soundless.]

The road dips to cross the Waianakarua River beside Grave’s Dam, and as Henry drove down, he noticed Bert’s MKII Consul halfway up the other side with Bert standing beside it, hand under his broad-brimmed hat, scratching his head. He had lost traction on the ice.

Henry stopped just in front of the car with the intention of pulling it up the hill – he carried a rope for such occasions.

He alighted and the pair had a brief chat about how slippery the road was and about Henry’s plan-of-rescue.

One end of the rope was hooked to the to the Commer’s towball and Bert went to hook the other end onto his car.

It took just the slightest touch on the car and it began a slow slide on the ice, down towards the bridge. This was quite alarming because if it missed the bridge, the drop into the river was some 20 metres!

Usually, before Bert acted, either methodically or rashly, he always rolled his tobacco, filled his pipe and did the light up sequence; but not this time!

Totally out of character, Bert started to run! Well he took a three quicker steps; thoughtless, because there was no way he was going to stop the car’s slide.

With his third quick step, Bert’s feet went from beneath him and he fell with a thud, flat on his back! The fall was a dangerous one and the risk of serious damage was high, but Henry could not contain his mirth and belly-laughed before he rushed to Bert’s aid.

The old codger was unhurt, well, he said so anyway, but Henry knew very well that he would never admit to pain – you can bet he was indeed sore!.

The car had come to rest, apparently because the front had swung around and it sat squarely across the road, so Henry backed up to hitch the rope and without further incident the car and Bert were safe!