Greasy Williams

Old Greasy Williams lived down the road and was one of the few who would turn up at the door to bludge cream, eggs or vegetables from Henry’s Dad. He had a nose for the teapot and happened to arrive just as Mum was taking a batch of scones from the oven.

Henry’s sisters named him ‘Greasy’ because of is furtive looks down their cleavage and the ‘accidental’ touching – not touching of the sexual kind, just brushing naked arms or fingers on blushing cheeks.

Of all the people that came to the door, Greasy Williams was the only one that Homer did not like! Homer was an old dog that Henry’s family took in because his elderly master was admitted to an old soldiers’ home. Homer was a docile black and white dog with some fox terrier in him, and he became a loved family pet with no bad habits, except wanting to drive old Greasy Williams off! He seemed have picked up that the family did not like the man.

Greasy drove a Rover 75, which indicated that he wasn’t hard up, begging the question: why did he need handouts? One day, chasing the Rover out the gate, Homer somehow became tangled with a wheel – possibly biting a tyre – with the result his skull was crushed.

Greasy Williams used to drive the rural mail delivery van over much of Banks Peninsular, which was fairly remote in those days. With the mail he also delivered milk and bread, which was how he came to know Dad; buying the milk from Dad’s dairy – milk treatment and bottling plant.

The bays around Banks Peninsular were accessed by steep, gravel roads and Greasy Williams related many stories of his adventures, while scoffing Mum’s scones and swigging free sweetened tea.

The only story that stuck in Henry’s memory was when he was negotiating the road down to Pigeon Bay, suddenly he had a nose bleed that shot blood all over the windscreen and so he couldn’t see where he was going! Even at seven years old Henry thought the story to be bullshit.

Henry liked being around his Dad and was with him when Greasy Williams offered him a partnership in in a lucrative business venture. An actual goldmine over at Reefton. It occurred to Henry that anyone with a goldmine would not want to sell it, but seemingly, Dad did not click on, because the cash register dinged in his head. Greasy Williams must have seen the pound symbols reflected in Dad’s eyes and laid on the palaver about how good it was and how rich they would become. But first he needed some cash.

Dad tried to show that he wasn’t as keen as mustard, and quietly went off to see old Curly at bank to get an idea how much he could drag out of the account.

But Dad faced a battle at home, Mum and the girls wanted no partnership with Greasy Williams no matter how much was to be made out of the venture – if anything was to be made. Henry didn’t contribute his idea that a goldminer would hardly sell his mine if he was finding gold!

The clincher came when Greasy Williams slunk into the kitchen with his beady eyes on the teapot and salivating at the batch of shortbread Mum had just taken out of the oven – at his approach, she covered them with a tea towel hoping he wouldn’t see them.

Beaten, when she lifted the tea towel to expose the shortbread, when he noticed the aluminium foil Mum had covered the tray with. At the time, aluminium foil was a brand new product and Mum was using it for the first time.

Greasy Williams ran his fingers over the foil and seemed intrigued.

‘That’s the same stuff their suits are made from!’ Greasy Williams said in a voice showing his amazement.

‘Who’s suits?’ Dad asked off offhandedly.

‘The Martians,’ Greasy Williams replied, ‘they wear shiny stuff just like this!’

‘Martians?’ Dad repeated.

Mum looked at Henry and Henry was wide-eyed.

‘Oh yes the Martians wear silver suits,’ confided Greasy Williams, ‘I have seen them many times – they took me for a ride in their flying saucer once!’

‘You’ve been in a Martian flying saucer?’ Dad tried not to smile. ‘Were did they land?’

‘In a paddock before you drop into Little Akaloa.’ Said Greasy Williams matter-of-factly. ‘I’ve met them there many a time.’

Henry had questions, but Dad shushed him, and asked, ‘How big are these Martians?’

‘They are about as big as young Henry, here,’ replied Greasy Williams, ‘I had to hunch up when they take me up in the saucer.’

The proposed partnership and the Reefton goldmine were never mentioned in the house again.